you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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