Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
