my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
