literally had 100 drinks last night.
from now on my penis is your penis
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
