What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
