Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
