fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
