I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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