I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
