I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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