Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
