I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
