ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
