Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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