that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
These 21 Drunks Said The Darndest Things
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
they're like a gay fantastic four
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
These 25 Irresponsible People Blew All Their Cash On Drugs, Booze, & Sex
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.