I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!