she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
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facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
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You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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