Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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