Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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