Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
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Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
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Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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