I'd wear matching sweaters with you
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
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I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
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So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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