The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
