His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
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It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
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P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
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