Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
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