I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
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Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
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Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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