I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Holy sore nipples Batman
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Randomize
