I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
