plz talk dirty to me
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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