If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
