Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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