i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
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Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
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...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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