I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
