I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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