areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
