i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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