ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
