I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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