You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
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