I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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