ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
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I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
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that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I think I just sharted jello shots
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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