Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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