I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Randomize
