when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
