What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize