So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
My cat gives me a boner
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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