you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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