if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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