My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
