I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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