Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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