first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
