I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Randomize
