Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
