I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize
