when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Randomize
