My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I FOUND THE LEGS
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
