Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
You're like the curious george of whores
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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