The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
