she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
