did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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