I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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