I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Randomize
